How to understand and deal with jealousy

Published: 17th August 2006
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Most of us are very familiar with the term jealousy, and had a partner who was or is
jealous at one point or another.
What is jealousy?
It is a green-eyed monster (as written in Othello (3:3) by a Shakespeare); feeling of envy;
It is a resentment, suspicion and wariness; lack of confidence.
Most of people had already experienced the feeling, and/or have had someone in their life that's had this problem.
Initially, when you meet someone who is extremely jealous, it may seem even cute and flatering to you, making you feel that this person really admires and adores you.
However, later on this cynicism behavior will become a big issue for you and your partner.

Now, what causes this type of attitude?
For the most part, the people who are jealous are usually the ones, who are apprehensive,
doubting, suspicious, possessive and guarded. Most of these personality traits come from the person's low self-esteem, luck of confidence, self-content and self-assurance.
Mostly these problems derive from the person's past relationship experiences, or their family upbringing. These people may have been deceived, betrayed and letdown in the past, which explains the source of their insecurity.

Most of these people have great and kind hearts. They are loyal, attentive, considerate and accommodating to you and your needs. I think this is how these people compensate for their deficiency and weakness.
Your relationship may still come to an end, due to jealousy; even though your partner has a distinguished individuality.
There are men and women who possess different levels of jealousy.

First category of people is only jealous of their partner, when it comes to the opposite sex. So, if there are any type of harmless interaction occurs, your partner instantly becomes apprehensive and resentful. Sometimes, people acquire anger and hostility caused by jealousy. In the end, it causes negative reaction, fight and confrontation between you and your partner. Which leads to the issue of you having friends, co-workers or significant others of your friends and family, who are of the opposite sex.
To deal with this type of situation, is to slowly have the person recognize that you are with him/her only, and that other people are just part of your life.

Another category of people, are jealous of absolutely everyone and everything in your life. Whether it is you, your career, your family or friends!
In one hand, this person may seem very pleasant and carrying for you and your well being; in the other hand, deep inside, he or she totally tormented.
These people experience an incredible amount of pain and anxiety, when it comes to you and your surrounding; weather it is your friends, either men or women, or your very family members.
This type of jealousy is very serious, and it becomes critical to the relationship.
Consequently, this person has had re-occurring and manifesting itself problems for a long period of time. And, in most of cases it is unlikely to be cured.

The solution to this dilemma lies in the determination of both partners;
First of all, the cooperation and willingness of the person with the problem to get help, and make an effort to change yourself and your perception of other people's behaviors.
Secondly, the other partner's collaboration to help and assist with overcoming the problem. It will require a great deal of patience and understanding to go through this healing process.

In most of cases, the problem is so ancient, like a chronicle disease; and it is impossible to motivate the partner to change.
In some occasions, where the problem is not so sever, and after taking a decent amount time to help with the unwanted behavior, it is possible to regain trust in this person, and have a normal life.

However, in some occasion, jealousy is simply confused with disrespect for one another.
For example, if one person, who is in the relationship, is acting as though he or she is single, in the presence of their partner; this would not be identified as jealousy; it will be considered disrespectful and rude behavior. Some men or women feel that flirting with other people, doesn't mean any harm. In general that may be the case; however the flirt is taking too far by some people, and is no longer innocent. One thing when you just mingle and interact with people of the opposite sex, who may be single or are dating someone; another thing is flirting shamelessly with someone, while your date or partner is standing by themself or involved in to harmless conversation.
When being confronted by their mate, people that cause this type annoyance and disturbance, will defense themselves, and immediately label their partner as being jealous.

Another example, where one person (usually men) is always eyeing and gazing at the opposite sex, yet again while is being in your presence. It is quite apparent what is going on, and it may cause unnecessary friction between you and your partner.
It is quite acceptable to look at someone, since we are all humans, and have eyes for things that are beautiful and exceptional; however it should not be so very obvious!
I think there is a borderline between just glancing at someone or just plane staring!

In conclusion, I suggest we all start to act appropriately while you are together with your partner, or you are alone. The rule of thumb is, when you are out with your friends; behave as though your mate is sitting right next to you.
Try not to do anything that jeopardizes your trust with your loved one!

Tanya Wiseman
Online Dating CoachLos Angeles Singles Online Dating Service Advice and Tips

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